Odds Maker

The biggest tournament in Albuquerque is just a few days away; The Southwest Championships are here again. This is a testament to all that SWBP has been able to accomplish since it first began and in that spirit this blog will be nothing but a celebration! And what better way to celebrate then to insult every single player and team that has helped to build SWBP into what it is today. I give you The SWBP Championships Team Odds:

No Chance (Gabe Montoya and Jeremy “Clawless”) ---- No Chance:1

I understand the name of this team is a cocky assertion that they are the best chance and best team Albuquerque has; however, for once there is no need to read between the lines. They have absolutely no chance to win this tournament. In fact, these odds should reflect their chances to simply make the bracket. Pong can be a beautiful game where one partner picks up the other, gets them a re-rack and restores confidence in the team. With No Chance however, it’s more like a 6 car pile up on the highway, a complete disaster. It’s not a problem of chemistry; it’s a problem with skill. Gabe’s story is almost a sad one, I say almost because it’s actually hilarious. A classic fall from grace tale, someone once highly esteemed who now begs for any opportunity to hopelessly try to convince you that they are still good. No one will tell you about doing more while accomplishing less than Gabe. Yes, we know you just beat Glaser 100 straight times in practice, but in the tournament you just open 0-12, therefore, you are not good, get over it. Jeremy is simply a victim of The Law of Averages: if you’re average the law says you will not win. In my eyes Jeremy should be respected for playing so far above his skill level for so long that he actually convinced the casual observer that he was good. I haven’t known such deception since Frank Abagnale Jr. At the end of the day however, every great con artist eventually has his con catch up to them. But hey look on the brightside buddy; I think Elyse will need a new full time partner when Chris moves.

Victorious Secret (AJ and Beth G.) ---- 8008:1

Albuquerque may not be good at beer pong but they are good at naming their teams to fit perfectly. For these two, victory really is a secret. It seems like the last time this team won anything was when I last won a catch season. AJ prescribes to the doctrine of “I’m better when I’m drunk” unfortunately for him however, there is not enough alcohol in the world to make him good enough to win this tournament. Some will say he is a good teammate but that’s only because he seemingly can only make when his teammate does. His teammate needs to open then AJ will tell some joke that will make the cups never let his ball enter. I used to not believe in the “yips” but after watching Beth GoodPeckens play there is no doubt that they exist. If Beth was a superhero her ability would be getting into her own head so much that it paralyzes her, oh wait maybe she IS a superhero! If she never missed she would be awesome, but she does. Leave your intimidation and distractions at home, you won’t be able to get in her head. There is no more room; she’s already taken it all up.

In and Around the Cup (Huff and Dustin) ---- $75:1

Straight off Huff’s incredibly predictable $75 cash game loss to yours truly he is ready to once again enter the tournament fray pairing up with his long time partner, Dustin. I’m not saying this team is bad, I’m saying that they are awful. They couldn’t even keep up the team-naming streak that Albuquerque was on, their name should be: “Short or Over the Rack”. I want to give credit where credit is due though. Huff and Dustin may be the two biggest philanthropists the game of Beer Pong has ever known. No matter the buy-in they are there to pay it, lose every game they play and walk away smiling.

Cheech and Pong (Edan and Corey) --- 420:1

Many of us grow up impersonating and idolizing our favorite athletes, hoping we can grow up to be a little like them. It’s an honor to see someone dedicate to this the way Edan has. From talking his head off constantly to missing the most important shots of the game Edan has made that name on the back of the Heat jersey he wears proud. I was concerned when I first started playing World Series rules that someone who was very tall could just reach across the table and win the game easily; Edan has proven that theory wrong. For someone who can reach clear across the table he sure can miss some cups. Never have I seen someone miss so many gimmie shots as Edan than…well…I guess Lebron. Edan may not win championships but neither does his favorite sports star, not everyone is good at beer pong but few of us can do it with such conviction. Corey is the more reserved member of the team, not screaming or yelling but rather throwing the pong ball like darts in an olde English pub. He throws the ball with an average velocity of 102 mph, harkening back to old adage “If you aren’t skilled be dangerous”. From potentially knocking over a cup, to a rim shot seriously injuring a competitor, Corey covers all of his bases, not including actually making it of course. It just goes to show you, there is more than one way to skin a cat; unfortunately this is not a cat skinning tournament it’s a beer pong one, and that requires you to make cups.

BLUNT Trauma (PeeWee and Lucas) ---- $119.99:1

They may as well call themselves “Bring Extra Tables”. Of all the things that are most dangerous to your table surviving a game the top two are: Playing outside on a mountain while an avalanche occurs and PeeWee missing a shot. Team that up with Lucas’ patented “Get a running start and hit the table as I throw” technique the Championships may just end up being a table graveyard. Everyone wants to win the 1st place money and everyone has different plans on how they will use it. Whether it be to enter satellites, pay off some bills, throw a huge party (invite me!! Kthx), or take a trip; BLUNT Trauma NEEDS to win simply to replace all the tables they will have broken. If you care about weekly SWBP tournaments I suggest you throw any games against this team, not to support them, but rather because shipping takes 8-10 business days, and that’s a week’s worth of tournaments.

10 Inches Soft (Glaser and Sonny) ---- 96:1

I don’t understand this name at all. You need to throw more than 10 inches softly to make any cups; in fact you need to throw it 8 ft. They will need to figure out these measurements before the Championships if they want to have any chance. Yes, we know you guys did well in Vegas, but let’s be honest, even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once and awhile. They came back with a renewed passion and a fierce new game plan: to get hammered before every tourney. Not only has that made them just SUPER fun to hang out with during beer pong but has also led to them winning some tournaments, with no bids to their name however success in the big tournaments has eluded them. Maybe it’s not that they need to get drunk or need to get their measurements figured out, maybe it’s as simple as them needing to get good at beer pong and not choking.

Schwasty’s Revenge (Chris Gilllooooollllooolllllly and Elyse) ---- HAHAHAHA:1

I mean really what is there to say about this team?? Chris is beyond a shadow of a doubt the absolute worst beer pong player I have ever seen in my life. I once saw an infant with no arms beat him. True story. He turns awful into an art form. If these odds were based on what I love most about beer pong, drunk girls, then Elyse would be the runaway favorite, but they’re not they are based on skill and she doesn’t have any. But at least she always knows where she is ranked in Pong List! No need to check back to see if you’re ranking has changed, and I think that is something we all can be jealous of.

Hearts and Shit (John D. and Manny) ---- Their hospital bills:1

I mean seriously, we thought that forming a team of people who can barley lift their arm above their shoulder was a good idea?? I’ve seen healthier teams play at the retirement home. This is not a serious partnership; it’s just a sling fling. I do wish them both the best though, not to win, they have no shot at that, but rather to recover quickly so I can stop having to write about two cripples.

We Haven’t Figured Out Our Name Yet (Kyle and Me) ---- It’s a sure thing

This team is not only the best chance Albuquerque has at winning it’s own tournament but the ONLY chance Albuquerque has. Consisting of the two most handsome, smart, talented and well-hung members of the beer pong community they might as well be revered as Gods among men. Scholars for the rest of time may argue about who was better but they will all be wrong, they were both equaled only by each other. On the first day God created Heaven and Earth. On the second day he created the template for these two Adonis’s, holding off until the perfect moment when he could unleash them upon the world. Well that time is now and you’re welcome, world.

-E$